yessssss.. i do.
(:

okok. i'm crap! anyway, visited ruth today. i am supposed to console her and talk to her, but it ended up the other way round. i am so sorry about it. hope u do feel better.

and tonight is such a special and beautiful night la. hmmm. 30th july. haha. :DDD
had a long day today. and it's kinda boring la, i must say. duh. oh yea. i guess my unhappy days are finally happy. i am so pampered laaaa....=))


baby, the trust between you and me,
the love,
the memories,
we'll cherish, and go on.

okay. blog. about him.
(:
went to the guzheng performance ytd, with ruth, gerald, jiaen, zhiqian. yea. it was so funny. hmm. thanks to ruth. and i had sleepless night ytd. =( laughed too much la.
yea. had a very bad day ytd. not gg to talk about it anyway.

went for sun-rise this morning at around 0630 with him. :DDDD
haha! very funny and sweet la, i must admit, okay. hmmm. anyway, went back for breakfast, and there were ruth, hs, hw and gerald. yupp. ended up buying breakfast to skcc to eat. haha! didnt play for long anyway. after balling, went cp and then headed for the SWING! (:

babe, i enjoyed myself today, you made my day, honestly. i dont know when you will ever get to see this, but i want you to know, you have a special place in my heart! and you do know what i mean. sun-rise, the conversation we shared, the laughter we had, and all. they do mean alot to me. and really IMU la!!!! whahaha! though the time is short, but i really do. aww..

met up with per. yea. feel better alr yea? haha. remember our date sometime next week! and NYZ, pls make yourself free okay. (:
it's gonna be a very special national day this year. i mean it.

anyone interested in guzheng concert or someth? oh please! come support my school tmr, friday, 28july, at serangoon junior college! hmm. tickets are available at 5 bucks per person. but but!!! i have many many free tickets laa. call me at 81029531 if you want alright. hurry! hmmm. while stocks last! please do come!!! i'll be there.. but will not be performing la, haha!

hey. i am so gonna blog about ytd!
haha.
sheryl yeo became the joke of the day laaaaa...
i dont know how and what exactly happened, but it was sooooo LOUD!!!
haha.
:DDD

hmmm. ball-ed a lil ytd at skcc. yeah. and went home after that. conferenced at night with gerald and huiwen. okay. a big secret was revealed ytd, and i feel so so so cheated!!! aww.. anyway. yeah. i am feeling not so good. i think the nights of these days have been really quiet and lonely. i dont feel the joy anymore, instead, i can only the pain growing inside, the pain that it seems only i can feel, but not you.

you wouldnt know how i feel unless you ask about it. but that is only if you ask. you never did. i dont know. promises are just meant to be broken; tell me more about it.

i'm waiting,
for you, i will.

this is for you:

you know me very well. i have been hurt once and i dont want to get hurt again. you know me very well. and i know it too. you made countless promises, and made me believe in you time and time again, yet i would always end up heartbroken. i dont know how am i ever going to trust and believe.. especially you. tell me how do i go about doing it. tell me about it.

that nyz says that i have to think about it rationally. i want a long term rltnshp, i dont want it to end so easily, can you? what will it be like when you go for national service and all? what will it be like when we two go separate ways. will you even be able to hang on? will i even bear to let go by then? the consequences i have to consider, the affairs of the hearts i have to decide on. tell me you wont let go so easily? tell me you will hang on for as long as possible? tell me you will not break the heart, that easily..? tell me it is not a dream, and that your feelings arent fake anymore, and mine will be as true. tell me i am really falling in love with you. tell me about it.

love is such a big problem now.

第一次看着你 就为你心动聪明的我 怎能让你走
第二次看见你 我竟然失控是我的错 请你原谅我
第三次看见你 想要告诉你我真的爱你 是真的爱你
第四次看着你 我有些要求请你能够 安安静静的聆听

一.让我保护你
二.让我照顾你
三.所有的要求不能当作游戏
四.接受这命运五.
永远不分离
说你愿意
那最后一个一定要说你愿意

Want be your lover want be your man
我只希望给你多一点
我只要你开心多一点
Can you be my lover don"t wanna be your friend

给你幸福每一天
给你幸福到永远
因为我
Want be your lover want be your man

说你害怕 因为受过伤
不需要害怕 因为我不是他

tell me about it. hmmm. BABE, i feel sorry for you, yet i cant do much for you. i feel so sorry, and i do hope you feel better. i MISS YOU! =)

i am sorry to say that i broke down in school. i cant do anyth, yet i still have to stay cool about it. arghh. stay COOL? =X hmmmm, you called me in the afternoon during lunch to ask if i was okay. yes, i am. and i am thankful, for you are always around. thanks, BABE. (:

every monday is just so so so long. i dont like mondays, and i never knew why. today's our last pe lesson with mr yong. he's gg for his re-service alr, arghhh! i'll MISS him! :D
oh well, pe outside sch today. ran outside and like that. yea.

am supposed to meet RUTH, but i am just so lazy. haha. so well.. =)
oh my, ruthie! i think i like him too laaa... and you better be there on friday! i have free tickets for u alr. haha.

To what extent can we trust one another? The world is shrinking; our individual worlds are growing.


i am really a fool. i have been waiting for the past one hour, at national library, in case some of you doNt know. yea. NATIONAL LIBRARY on a sunday. what the hell! and who i am meeting eh? BIG SHOTS like LEQIAN and NIZAR.. WOW! clapps for them! all my clapps go out to them, yes the freaking 2 of them! other than yuzhen whom i have waited for like 2 hours, these 2 persons are the next big shots!


for yuzhen, i dont really mind waiting for her, and i wont really wanna complain about it. cause we have been good friends for so many years. but wad about NIZAR and LEQIAN? for nizar, it's not very long, and not to mention leqian. please, who do you think you are to make me wait and wait and wait like AN IDIOT?? i really had enough alr. and YOU 2 never seem to uds. OHMYGOD! this is really getting too much.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. TELL ME WHY YOU ARE LATE AND WHY YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP SO EARLY AND IS STILL LATE, FOR NIZAR, AND WHY YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR DEAREST MOTHER TO COOK FOR YOU AT HOME, AND THEN BE LATE, AS USUAL, JUST TO EAT YOUR MOM'S LUNCH, FOR LEQIAN, AND ALWAYS APOLOGISING FOR BEING LATE?


TELL ME ABOUT IT. WHY MUST I WAIT FOR THE TWO OF YOU LIKE I REALLY CARE, BUT IN FACT I ONLY CARE ABOUT THE PROJECT. WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO SHOULDER ALL RESPONSIBILITIES, WHEN THE REST OF YOU CAN SIMPLY NOT DO ANYTH. WHY DO I HAVE TO PLEASE YOU AND NOT YOU, GIVING IN TO ME AT LEAST A LITTLE? ALL MY FREAKG WHYS, I AM NOW THROWING BACK AT YOU! I WILL SEE HOW YOU CAN ANSWER THEM, AND HOW YOU CAN GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS TROUBLE. I KNOW. I KNOW YOU ARE SO SO SO SO CLEVER. AND THAT YOU CAN DO ALL THE THINGS. SO NOW, TRY TO DO THE 2500 WORD REPORT ALL BY YOURSELF EH? SINCE YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU ARE SMART.


i think it is really very dumb of me to come all the way to bugis, carrying this stupid laptop, which will not come to good use for my PROJECT WORK, and only to sit at one corner to blog! it is really very irritating. talk to me about punctuality.


it's not about responsibility either, i dont see how. so perhaps YOU wanna tell me about it? since i am so freakg dumb and perhaps as idiotic as YOU?! TELL ME! TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I GUESS ALL I CAN DO NOW IS TO PACK MY STUFFS AND TURN BACK HOME, TO SENGKANG. LISTEN HERE. TO SENGKANG!

AND IF CASE YOU DONT KNOW. IT IS 2.32PM NOW, AND I ONLY RECEIVED A MISSED CALL FROM LEQIAN, WHICH I DIDNT INTEND TO PICK UP ANYWAY. SO. PERHAPS THEY CAN MEET UP ON THEIR OWN AND DO ALL THE EXPLANATIONS THEY WANT TO EACH OTHER. AND NIZAR ONLY MSG-ED ME AT 2.35PM, ASKING WHICH LEVEL AM I AT. SO I ASSUME HE JUST REACHED THIS PLACE. HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WILL REACH AT 1PM, BUT LOOK AT THE TIME NOW, IT'S LIKE MORE THAN 1 1/2 HOURS LATER. THIS IS WAD I MEAN BY promises are meant to be broken. AND I AM SO SO SO SO NOT GOING TO TRUST ANYONE ELSE AGAIN!


LIFE IS JUST SO ARGHHHHHH..... FOR ME!

HUISHI! you still say you read my blog. never TAG!!! aww..* hmmm...
curiosity kills the cat.. so .. haha

anyway. went punggol end today. yea. with huiwen and jeremy. yupp. thought about alot. maybe it is time i should give an answer or someth? my mom told me it would happen. and now it has happened, i am wishing for the opp. it seems that you came at the wrong time. when i am so unprepared to accept anyth. i dont know how to face you anymore. please dont be so nice to me, and babe, sorry has lost its meaning already.. )'=

i guess i really love punggol end in the evening. i wished you were thr with me just a few hours ago, but u wasnt. i can hardly imagine us tgt. it is like so impossible. and my gf told me nothing is impossible. i dont know how and what to say to both of you. everyone who knows me, would say that i will choose you, instead of my gf. maybe it's true, but i still cant picture us being tgt. that was like at least half a year back, where we were really close, but then, you had someone else in your heart then...

i am very confused, not only you. i cant tell right from wrong anymore, neither can i differentiate good and bad. i am lost, you know?

pick me up somewhere along the road,
and please hold me tight.
for once you lose me,
i doubt i will ever turn back again.
the pain, the hurt, the broken hearts.
come to me,
and tell me that.

If you see me walking the road with someone else,
It's not because I like his accompany...

Its because you're not brave enough to walkbeside me.

If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me

Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat

If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him..

But because you're not there to catch me fall

If you feel lost,
I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going

Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?..
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound

Don't let me walk with him,
It's you I want to walk with..

Don't let me talk of him,
it's you I want to talk with..

Don't let me fall for him,
It's you I want to fall in love with..

"HOW DID THE GUY REPLY?"

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stand before me

When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our friendship

When you thought I wasn't there to catch you,
It was because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom,
you've already grabbed a branch

If you feel like you are nowhere,
I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going

Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?

Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?

Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side

Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with

Don't let me fall for someone else
It's you I want to fall in love with.

WHEN I SAW YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO TALK TO YOU...
WHEN I TALKED TO YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO HOLD YOU...
WHEN I HOLD YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO LOVE YOU...
NOW THAT I LOVE YOU ...
I'M AFRAID TO LOSE YOU...
SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS...
BUT IF IT DOESN'T HURT...
THEN IT ISN'T LOVE...

HOLD ON TO THE PERSON U LOVE...
BEFORE HE/SHE SLIPS AWAY...
AND U CAN NEVER GET HIM/HER BACK

to bel: i misssss YOU too laaaa!!!! haha. ball tgt soon!

to per: we have to meet up real soon! i have so much to say!!!! haha. TAKE CARE!!!

to YEETING: gal, follow your heart. if u really like him, go for uur happiness. i think i will have good news for all of you soon laaaa.. haha. but it is not my girlfriend. (: pray hard for me, and cheer up, girl!

to SIHUI: hey.. i know u ann lian me right.. eeeEK! still kiss somemore! smack your asssss laaa! haha. u gotta cheer up about everything eh? you still have all of us from A07 for you! we'll support u no matter which-ever-who-ever puts u down. you have me, that's the most important thing! haha. bigSMILES all for YOU! =))

to adeline: hey, have linked you ppl alr. haha. gonna tc too! dont think about it so much le. it's over le laaa.. haha. SMILES!

to farah: haha. linked!

to yingling: hey babe! haven meet up for long time too. gonna tc loads yeah? and do u still have a blog? haven contacted u for a long time. MISSES!

within a week, i received two shocks man! oh my! hmmm. okay. my gf says it was due to his medicine and all the side effects and all. yea. i think so too. but what about G-D? oh god! this is like so happening la! haha. okay. i should be serious over here but...

hmmmm. to G-D:
yea. you shocked me. you did. i was still thinking if you have sent the wrong msg. honestly speaking, i never expected such things to happen, and happening at almost one after another. i dont know when it started and how it became like this. but i am grateful to have you always around for me. thank you ssooooo much! it was rather awkward for us since we are like meeting almost everyday, but i do hope it wont affect us in anyway NOW. yupp. like in the letter, maybe i am not prepared yet, maybe i am running away. but pls do admit the fact that i dont know how to put everything across to you. time is all i need. and i never wanted to lose you as somebody special! you do have a special place in my heart, and i dont want to lose you, your place. no one can replace your place either. hmmm. yea. i always thought that i would not be able to live without you. maybe i was right. i have depended on you too much alr.. and now that it is this case. i really dont know what to do.

some asked me to treasure you, yes i did and i am constantly doing it. i am so afraid to face you, to let you see the weaker side of me. idont want to. yet my heart goes soft each time you are ard. oh my god! i am really comfortable with you around and so, all the laughter and happiness you brought to me, i want you to know that they are irreplaceable! serious. and i thank you for your understanding of this matter.

with all my love and wishes.
i pray for you, always...

today is SRJCIAN day. yeah. wad a weird day. was in school in the morning and had whole lot of fun! hmmm. concert and partying, eating and crapping, i love them. i am happy and satisfied with it, except for the fact that A6 class was high up there, while A7 was right at the bottom! arghhh.. hmmm..=X

the concert, mr hon sang. i soooo like it! oh my god. he can play the guitar well lor. and i bloody screwed up the 30s thing on stage. i didnt want any eyes to be on me. so... yea.

anyway, went to watch the "CARROTS" of the carribean with my gf, yeeting and amelia. yupps. and alot of things happened. i dont know how to say and what to tell. i told you i am okay, but in fact, i have been thinking about it too. it was really hard to hide the fact that i am not so okay. why do i have to be strong in front you? you said you hurt me, yes, you did. but i guess it's okay? everything should not happen in the first place, you see? you made me feel special, and now like this. you know me better than i do. you know how i will feel and everything, but you still did. i aam supposed to be happy, but seeing you again, you make me sad, and feel so arghhh! i just dont know how to comment. =X

i am so sorry.

anyway, celebrated ruth's birthday at swensens. yupp. i rushed back there but they only started eating. so i just sat there and stared into the mirror. yeah. i was dreaming then that gerald called me. hmmm. anyway, crapped alot with gerald and all. yupp. and huishi and huiwen started the matchmaking session for me and their teacher in charge. i am like huh? anyway, i dont know if i was supposed to be there in the first place. firstly, it's a lil out of place, secondly, i was with gerald. i dont know but anyway to ruth, i really hope you had your day. i know you are not okay, so i'll quit asking if you are okay. i just want you to know that i am only a call away for you, no matter what. this is a promise. a promise. rmb our agreement or stuffs, if we are not okay, blog it at the end. whether or not to be happy and positive, it's up to you. no one can make you feel unhappy without your consent..=)


EMO-

haven blogged for some time. i'm okay with my girlfriend alr. yeah. perfectly alright! hmm. these 2 weeks have been real busy. always staying in school, busy with inter-house and everything. yea. cetus won.. but so wad? i got kind of scolded for playing. i dont know why. seriously dont know. but whatever. it's over now. since the 5-on-5 is over, the 3-on-3 is up, followed by the novelty. yupps. that means more games coming up!

:)

i am really tired though. after sunday's alumni games, all of us got burnt and very dark! haha. now they say me and sarah look more alike! haha. she's my twin sister!! haha. X)
and we still have alot more things to do. we have to clear CCA room 2 stuffs and all. yea. and tmr's srjcians' day! whahaha. i'll be on STAGE! believe it or not, i am gg to be up thr la. and it really suck! haha. hmmm... anyway, my swimmer will be performing too!!! haha.

i finished my EOM, and i am so freakg relaxed. but i still have my econs, GP, and chinese to complete! arghhh!!! doesnt make much difference anyway. haha. but i did try my best. i have to complete my chinese file by tonight, and submit tmr! haha. yea. i have to. and i dont know what's up for tmr, maybe i'll go for a movie? i dont know. yea. shall see how then. haven town for a very very long time. and perhaps i need to get some new sports bra. haha.

anyway, i guess i really feel very dumb. i dont uds what my granny is trying to say. oh my, i cant speak hokkien!! and that means i cant communicate with her. and i completely dont uds her. what can i do. i want her to be happy, i want her to be healthy and fine too. am i asking too much ?

okay. i have been rather EMO these few days, rather weeks. i guess it's due to stress but but i am trying very hard to control. cause i dont want anyone to be affected. so, i am okay now. =) at least i think so, yea? haha. i cant wait for tmr man. yeah!!! haha.

my lil TWIN sister is having tennis interhouse tmr. i wish her MANY lucks! =))
AND AND... my girlfriend rock!!!
haha.

have been kinda close with jie these few weeks, where i got really emo. yeah. my girlfriend and jie. haha. they are very nice ppl. and oh yar! my lil-cutey-TWIN sister! haha. hmm. they are really nice ppl!!! you guys made my day, tried all means to make me laugh and all. i really LOVE you guys! yea. THANK YOU to all.. =))

with many many HEARTS;
my LOVE.

maybe we should not be so close;
maybe we could have been only friends;
maybe we should have made our stand clearly in the first place;
maybe maybe..
you have been too nice to me, till i dont know what to do,
and sometimes,
i just wonder if i have fallen for you..
maybe i was hurt once, i never wanted to try again;
maybe you are too nice, i am not good enough for you;
maybe we have met at the wrong time;
maybe you are too fast for me, or i am too fast for you;
maybe you never knew me at all;
maybe you dont understand me well enough;
maybe we are just not meant to be...

sometimes i just wished you were there. but at times, i hate to let you see the weaker side of me. you get me? i have my pride too. and maybe we are not that close to the extent where i'd leave my pride for you. i dont know. you did not make yourself clear in the first place, therefore i dont know how to ans you. i wish for someone to be there, to bring me to LOVE all over again. yea. i wished. and i am still wishing. if you were the one, what will happen to me when you just turn and leave.. and never come back? i dont want this to happen at all. therefore, i choose not to start it in the first place. it hurts. it really does. i guess we are meant to be like this.. more than friends but just less than lovers. if given a chance again, and more time perhaps, i'll choose you over anyone. this i promise you...

to my girlfriend:

i am shocked, i didnt expect things to turn out this way. i mean, perhaps i am not prepared for it. i need some time, you know? the sms was really a shocking one, it was the first thing i saw in the morning. and it was an unusual thing to start off with for a morning.

i wouldnt say that i dont like you, it's just that i dont know. i know i am selfish, but i just dont want to get hurt again. and i dont wish to hurt you in anyway. okay, i know nobody wants to. but i havent had the courage to try again. call me weak, i dont mind. cause i am indeed weak when handling emotions.

i care for you.. just like i would care for any of my friends. it is perhaps that more-than-friends-but-less-than-lovers type of relationship we are having right now. i like you, just as much as you like me. i am really fortunate to have met you and have you to like me. well, i guess i have really been very fortunate in my life to have met many nice ppl, but i dont seem to know how exactly to cherish someone. i lost and i was hurt, sometimes i just wished for someone to be there, yet i never want to get hurt. how contradicting life can get. arghhh.

i would say that do get to know me better and all, before you really decide that you really like me. maybe you'll come to realise that the feeling is just temp. but but. i want you to know, for now, i'll still stand by you, just like how you stood by me. i will listen to you just like the way you listened to me, i will still be your boyfriend till you found your right girl, and you will still be my girlfriend till i-dont-know-when. this is a promise i make to you.

(PS. hey, be glad alright, i dont make promises to anyone. cause i know promises are meant to be broken.)

i came across your nick last night, i didnt know what it meant. maybe i was wrong or wad, i dont know. but i never wanted to make you feel sad or hurt in anyway. i want you to stay happy, and cheerful, like the one that i knew okay? my dear babe, all i want you to know is that i am really happy with you around, do what you want and rmb to follow your heart yea? nobody can make you feel unhappy without your consent. live a life you want to live, cause, you still have me to stand by you!

with bigHEARTs&
bigSMILEs.

everything was just a misunderstanding, i guess? hmm. i dont know. and i seems to know. aiya. it is just so complicated. get me? the previous blog is when i was really feeling upset, but i think it is meaningless now. (:

but i am very happy and glad to know that everything's gonna be alright. maybe i shouldnt have think so much, but it is normal for me. so yea. and i am really really...

:D

cetus won today's game. and my principle is still the same: there is no friends on the court. i hope you guys can get to uds this. only this way, you can play, and i do mean play. i am very sorry to my teammates for today's game. esp. to liz, sarah, susan, jungui, geraldine. yea. i am really very sorry. but i guess this game was really cool for some of us yea? we sorta vented out our anger and everything, and i definitely feel better now. =)

went macritchie in the morning and was caught in the stupid rain. it just suck. saw many canoeist there, well, it is very obvious, cos we went for some canoeing compt prize presentation. yupps. national jc is really cool . they won both the guys and girls championships, for the school. yupp. and the girl who got into team singapore is from pioneer i guess. the guy is from hwa chong i guess too. haha. canoeist really rock, esp with their muscles, skin colour and their attitude! well, congrats to all.

went 260 after everything. was there at around 9 plus. only managed to play a game. and i didnt feel too good. was kinda moody, maybe i was tooo tired, but yea, i still dont know. i was in pe dept from 12 15 like this to around 4pm. and i was like enjoying the aircon there and blah blah blah. i was freakg bored! and i got to discover something. hmmm. tommy is a retainee, and he's only 168cm tall, and my eye candy is like so short also! he;s like 167cm only? haha. but i am not very tall anyway. so it's still okay. and yea. whatever okays. he's just my eye candy.

hmm. i have a rehearsal tmr morning at 8am, but i so dont feel like gg. and after that there will be palatte meeting. and i am like....=X and after that i have to do supermarket-ing. yea. perhaps do some bballing after that?
i still dont know.

i need to finish my pw today. yea. just today. and i am so not gg to sleep. =) and my chinese compo too. cos somehow, i fell aslp last night while doing it. yea. so i have to hand in tmr. yupp. and the busy day will be here soon. our alumni games. pray for me that nothing goes wrong that day, if not our heads will roll...=X

i seems to not know anything,
or am i just running away..?
the things i see,
the impression i get from you.
do i even know?
i guess it is true
now that i really needed someone.
you crossed my mind,
and i guess you are the one.
do you feel the way i feel for you?
do you even realise about my existence?
do you even know i do..?

SO ALL I GET IS A NAME HUH? AND WHAT A NICE NAME I HAVE FROM YOU?

NOSEY PARKER?
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU CAN HANDLE THINGS MATURELY. YEAH. I THOUGH. I FREAKING THOUGHT, AND I AM BLOODY WRONG! FREAKS? WERE YOU SAYING US, OR RATHER YOURSELF?

I GONNA LEAVE MY HANDS OFF EVERYTHING. IAM NOT GOING TO CARE ANYMORE. IN FACT, TO YOU IT IS JUST A WASTE OF YOUR TIME TO HAVE PPL CARING FOR YOU. NOW I KNOW.

JUST EFF OFF NOW.
I AM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.

oh yes. i am finally sitting down and doing a proper entry today. the previous ones were kinda random, i guess. ah, whatever.

the whole of this week has been such a killer! draining me of my energy and everything. training, inter-house, alumni preparations, results, palette, project work, homework, family problems and everything. oh my, it really suck.

school is actually quite fun in one way or another. haha. yeah, because i have been making myself the happy lil girl in class. at least, i kept amelia occupied by talking to her for the whole of two hours, with a 5min toilet break, and the teacher didnt even scold us! well, is that a good thing? haha. hmmm, never mind. i am a GOOD kid.

XD

friends in my life, yea, they do make differences, and they do light up my life, yet some chose to leave and stab me hard in the heart. i dont know why, and i never seems to know why...

a letter to my dear friend who doesnt seem to know:

does it make a difference? does it matter at all? do you even bother to care? all these, you asked me, and no was your answer even before i had the chance to speak. are all these that happened what you wanted? and wished for? if it is, then your wish has come true. this is not an angry post, but rather a EMO one. you can express everything out in your blog, so why cant i?

i really dont know what had happened. sometimes when i reach out my hands for you, you just turn and walk away, not even bothering to say goodbye. was that you that i knew? i am really tired. if you want to challenge me, let me know. let me be prepared, cause my heart cant go on anymore. i am freakin' tired. do you actually understand?

i speak for you when they didnt expect me to do so, even i am going against my heart, just to tell everyone that you were not in the wrong, perhaps, i was wrong. i told everyone you'll be okay, i told everyone maybe i could have done alot more for you. yet, you stepped back each time i walked a step nearer to you. is this really what you want, my dear friend? i seriously dont know.

i dont know what had exactly happened. but if you think again, perhaps you could have been fairer? at least a lil fairer to me? do i really deserve this from you, now tell me what i have done to deserve this? please, my dear friend. i wish for everything to stop. it has to; it must stop! you get me? it has to stop, yea? you said i never cared, or didnt bother to, and if i really didnt, i wouldnt even be around. my girl, do think about it. everyone deserves the love around. you do too.

with much love.

now, i have said what i wanted to say for the past few days. well, actually there is more, but it got cut off, and it cannot be recovered, so i had no choice la since i cant rmb what i have typed just now. so well, it is all fated, i guess? the next letter will be for my dearest babe!

to my dearest gerald jie.

you may not be reading this i know. and it must have been very tough on you these few days, i know too. i really do. the dinner we had, the conversations we shared, the laughter and joy.. they are all irreplaceable yea? you gave in to me everytime, listened to me and never complained.. you have been the nicest, almost the sweetest, and of course, the dearest! i'd have fallen in love with you if i were any other girl, but i am not, so i dont exactly love you wholeheartedly like anyone who would. but no worries, i still love you for who you are, cause you have always been the one there, to bring me joy and laughter. you have made such a significant impact in my life, i guess you never knew. you hurt me, and you loved me; you bring me laughter and joy at the same time you still loved me and accept me for who i am. i am very grateful for having known you, somehow. i thank god for bringing you into my life. my dearest babe, I LOVE YOU! i wish that you can always be there, as my jie, as my guide throughout my life, but this is impossible. i know it, yet i wished for it. how silly! no one has ever made me feel so appreciated, so loved, so pampered, and so special! you rock my life, babe!

with my bigHEARTS, all for you.

tell me i am supposed to be happy,
tell me i am supposed to smile to everyone,
tell me i should not frown in front of HIM.

i seriously have no idea why my life is so upside down NOW! and below is a letter for RUTH

tO my dearest ruth goh:

yea. life is just so-so-here-and-so-so-there. and problems just keep coming like nobody's business. this is just something we all just so dont like it. i know u do hate it. and sometimes kiddish problems, we still have to solve it. this is so unlike me to deal with these things so calmly. it's very unlike me alright. i have to make everybody's life simpler by getting myself involved in things, and ended up making everyone please, while not realising i AM SO NOT HAPPY! everyone is just so contented with their life, what about me? i tried to be. i tried to learn from you, see and forget, listen and pretend. i did try, i did. but to no avail. some ppl just never appreciate you for who you are. i dont know. i am just so tired of being what i am now. really TIRED, yet nobody seems to be able to tell. not at all. i dont feel good.

i know you dont too. ruth, no matter what, you have me around, about uur grandpa and everything. i do hope i can share uur probs in one way or another. i do. life and death matters are always the wet matters la, concerning tears and everything. i dont like it and you dont either. but life is like this. we have to accept the way it is, just like i have to accept the way others treat me like. i cant do anything abt it, neither can you yea? think about it. life is all about nothing. live it, and end it! it's just a life. a short short life everyone has...

with all my love to you, my friend, i wish for all the angels to look after you, and lady luck to be always with you. santa dotes on whoever is nice and good. TAKE CARE, MY FRIEND!

hey. this is really getting nowhere. i really dont know what exactly to do. i dont want to miss out the only inter-house games i hv this week, and i dont want to miss out my first alumni games this sunday as well. but most of all, i dont want to worsen my ankle! i really have to think, i know it's really sick and irritating to keep reading abt my ankle. arghh. i hate my ankle too!

)'=

i seriously have no idea what to do, but, i dont want to regret!

follow-up session tmr aftnn, and yea. hopefully, the doc will say what i want to hear. pls do.

hmm. it is a sunday, but there is no SUN! aww. but anyway, i wont be gg swimming so it doesnt really affect me. yea. went out early in the morn to see doctor. and i came home and slept for 4 hours. till 2 plus. and have been slacking since then.

haven done my I&R and i seriously dont feel like doing it la. it's like a pain in my neck! arghh!!! anyway, to nizar, i tried to be nice alr. i replied CG's email and i gave her a smiley face alright. oh my. wad a big change in me. hmm. and i'm seriously freakg bored now. stayed at home the whole day la. a miracle, in fact.

will be missing out whole lot of fun! cant play inter-house, cant play alumni games and everything! it really suck!!!! they dont seem to uds at all. i cant play for these games, which i have sorta planned and have been waiting for it. and now it really does suck like hell. i'm feeling the piercing in my heart. i'm feeling the break. i'm feeling the loss. I AM.

do you understand?

it's such a lousy weekend for me. no balling, no swimming, no towning. hai. just uds me. i really dont feel good.

i need to get some books for myself to read. will be missing pe lessons and trainings. worst of all, all the games held next week. i need someth to keep me occupied. i really do. pills suck!

i wanna be a good girl for santa to dote on. i wanna be.
all that i have wished for seem to be further and further away.
i AM LOST!

this is just all so shitty! yesterday was a nice day until i sprained and twisted my ankle. and it really suck!

=X

iced it, rested, but still swollen. and after one night's rest, i cant even walk now. i feel so much like crying. it's really painful, and it really suck when u cant walk. IT JUST SUCK SO MUCH! and jungui 's ligament went wrong again. i hope she's really alright. BUT we have 3-on-3, inter house competition next week, and i have alumni games on next sunday! there just goes everything. oh my. i feel very dumb now. and i can only see doctor on monday night. arghh!!!

am gg sch later for the palette thingie meeting with sierra ppl. yea. i hope i can make it there. and i dont know whatever that is going to happen alr. everyth just happened at the wrong, or rather the right time??

)'=
i cant play ball.
i cant run.
and i cant even walk!
ASS.

hmm. it is just so sucky early in the morning. some stupid conflict with CG. yea. nizar, you'll know wad i mean C.G.
ahh. WHATEVER la. that idiot caused me to lose my 5 bucks. bloody hell. irritating ASS! eFF off laaaaaaaaa..........

had civics period early in the morn. and was so irriated by CG la, telling me that she FORGOT. ASS. i can make the effort to REMEMBER, why cant YOU? or maybe i just so happen to REMEMBER huh? ohh. that makes YOU look EXTREMELY STUPID AND DUMB then. ohh. i bloody freakg PITY YOU!!!

just get out of my life,
OUT OF MY SIGHT!

didnt see HIM during morning assembly. he was away for SWIMMING. haha. yea.
and after CT period was econs. my mood was totally affected alr. and i was glad ms lee didnt ask me to ans any quest. or i guess i'll just flare up at her, and just run out of the class. she was just lucky.

A BIG THANK YOU TO AMELIA, who kept me company, and comforted me. really thank you. though u may not even be reading this. but i hope it's heard. (:

hmmm. had chinese listening compre. but i guess i fell asleep halfway. haha. and i slept all the way till like half an hour before the 2 hr lesson ends. haha. mdm tan didnt woke me up either. i was soundly asleep. haha. and when i woke up, was told to complete 2 sets of wkshts and i could leave alr. haha. yea. and i went home.

packed my stuffs, and went out to meet that woman. haha. yea. was supposed to go swimming at three plus, but we played ball all the way till ard 6 plus. haha. and we went to swim. yea. with ber, at hougang. yupps. didnt really swim alot. was really talking la. haha. and now, i hereby announce that that woman is my swimming kha-ki! haha.

went back at 8 plus la. and i am dead beat. i still have I and R to do la. so irritating! ahh. reminds me of that ASSS.

any-anyway, i HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND. yea. and 'SHE's' MYREN! haha. wadever.

给你生活的忠告:

多吃些粗粮.

给别人比他们自己期许的更多，并且用心去做熟记你喜欢的诗歌不要轻信你听到的每件事，

不要花光你的所有，不要想睡多久就睡多久。

无论何时说“我爱你”，请真心实意。

无论何时说“对不起”，请看着对方的眼睛。

相信一见钟情。

永远不要忽视别人的梦想。

深情热烈地爱，也许你会受伤，但这是使人生完整的唯一方法。

用一种明确的方法解决争议，不要冒犯。

永远不要以貌取人。

慢慢地说，但要迅速地想。

当别人问你不想回答的问题时，笑着说“你为什么想知道？”

记住那些敢于承担最大风险的人才能得到最深的爱和最大的成就。

给妈妈打电话。如果不行，至少在心里想着她。

当别人打喷嚏时，说一声“菩萨保佑”。

如果你失败了，千万不要忘记汲取教训。

记住三个“尊”：尊重你自己；尊重别人；保持尊严，对自己的行为负责。

不要让小小的争端损毁了一段伟大的友谊。

无论何时你发现自己做错了，竭尽所能去弥补。

动作要快！无论什么时候打电话，摘起话筒的时候请微笑，因为对方能感觉到！

找一个你爱聊的人结婚 ， 因为当年龄大了以后，你会发觉喜欢聊天是一个人最大的优点。

找点时间，单独呆会儿。

欣然接收改变，但是不要摒弃你的个人理念。

记住，沉默是金。

多看点书，少看点电视。

过一种高尚而诚实的生活。

当你年老时回想起过去，你就能再一次享受人生。

相信上帝，但是别忘了锁门。

家庭的融洽氛围是难能可贵的。

尽你的全力让家平顺和谐。

当你和你亲近的人吵嘴的时候，试着就事论事，不要扯出那些陈芝麻，烂谷子的事。

不要摆脱不了昨天。

多注意言下之意。

和别人分享你的知识，那才是永恒之道！

善待我们的地球。

不要愚弄自然母亲。

忙自己该做的事。

不要相信接吻时从不闭眼的伴侣。

每年至少去一个你从没去过的地方。

如果你赚了很多钱，在活着的时候多行善事。

这是你能得到的最好回报。

记住有时候，不是最好的收获也是一种好运。

深刻理解所有的规则，合理地更新他们。

记住：最好的关系存在于对别人的爱胜于对别人的索求之上。

回头看看你发誓取得的目标，然后评判你到底有多成功。

无论是烹调还是爱情，都用百分之百的负责态度对待，但是不要期求太多的回报。

alright. had my official training today! only 8 of us, but i am glad! haha. yea!! hmm. did alot of footwork and stuffs, dribblings and played! yea. it was so niceee! i really like the feeling of training again. oh my!!! hmm. sch aint that bad today. had PE lesson. yupps. not i wad or wad la, haha. but but, yea. haha. okay. sch is so fun! no more sickbay, no more wadever.

i go to school for a reason now, to study, to see somebodies, to play basketball and train, and most importantly, to go university! yea. cool huh?

if i'm alright tmr, then will be gg swimming! haha. with that woman and maybe ber. yea. haha. SWIMMING! and i think i like him. =X

i dont know.

yea. anyway, next week will be very packed for me. i think. alumni, inter-house and everything! it's so COOL!!!!!

(:

oh man.
it's tough to be a woman, o-m-g!
i'm like using all my might to type out this post. i'm in pain laaaa....
AND it suck!

was at the sickbay and slept for abt 1 1/2 hour. yea. i do mean sleep, and can only remember amelia passed me someth, and i just ate it. haha. i think it was a pill. the sickbay was cold. and i left the GP lecture halfway because it was too cold and i couldnt take it anymore. aww.
i hate it.
i hate the time of the month!
it always kill me.
)'=
i'm still in pain.


anyway, played ball for a while just now. and there were these feew somebody who thinks they are so great llaaa. and find me too rough, but too bad, basketball IS a rough game. EFF OFF if you cant take it. heard me? just FARK OFF!
spoiler!
assholes.

okay. have started to swim for the third day alr. yeah. swim as in SWIM!
:DDD

hmmm. ball-ed on saturday, yeah. practically the whole day. and went to huishi's house with tw, jy, and d. yupp. watched scary movie4, which just so happened to be quite boring for that day. and hand ard in her house for a lil while before i went home.

was very tired in fact. slept very early. and was woken up by lydia. haha. she called me to go swimming. i was kinda reluctanct initially but still went. pulled that woman along too. (:

swam for 15laps then that woman called me, and so i stopped. haha. yea. and i slacked after that. =)) was sun-tanning and enjoying myself until around 2 plus i guess. went to bathe and hg mall-ed after that.

went to meet my sis to town and it was really a short town-ing session that day. had like 2-3 hours only. went to look for my slippers but to no avail. anyway, bought an adidas shirt, a bag, and a bikini! whahaha.. =X

head-ed home after that cos had to be home for dinner. yea. was so irritatd by my mom. EXTREMELY irritating!

youth day.
went swimming early in the morning at around 6 plus. yea. and didnt swim alot cos i strained my knee and i couldnt go on. it suck big time can... it really hurts.
breakfast and home. out to ice-skating, but hw was late, so me and ruth went skcc to play ball, with my sis stoning there. yea. the anderson ppl were really irritating. well, i dont like them, for that game.

ice-skating was considered fun, though i fell like siao, with alot of bruises all over now, adding more stress on my knee. aww. i cant stand the pain la, and i cant even bend my legs! this is really horrible. i have traing this wed and i am like this. =x hey. it was really horrible. fell down, made a turn, and my forehead hit the side, and it was really awfully embarrassing! =X

home-ed after playg ball at 260 for a while. playd with gerald and jason. yea. so funny la. anyway, early rest tonight.
AMfreakg tired. and
AMhaving oral tmr, yet i havent prepared anyth.

to:NEOYUZHEN
good luck to you for all your papers okay? you can do it if i can do it.
(:

to:RUTH
HARDGAY!!!

oh my, oh my!
is this what i want ?
i dont know, i dont care.

it's 1225am now. and i really see a need to blog.
ytd was such a long day. yeah. a 18-hour day for me. BUSY.PACKED.

had my last paper in the morning, and i just suck, okay. after the paper, i went to eat with AA, then we caught up a lil. yeah. and i went swimming with my sis after that. yeah. and i tanned too. was at the pool from 10 plus till 1330 i guess.

we headed to kovan for lunch. yeah. at pizza-hut. i went to find KI at the hawker centre anyway, because he told me he was there. yeah. KH. so i just went there, said hello and went back for my lunch.

bus-ed down to sbc, in time to watch nchs c div game against christ church. yeah. nchs won, by 2 points i think. cant remember. though i went, i didnt feel too good. felt very very out of place, if anyone of you actually noticed, alright?
=(
it really reminds me of what i had gone through once. i felt very terrible to go through it once more time. maybe that was why i didnt want to watch any matches. well, maybe(?)

stayed to watch matches as well, after went to the hawker centre there to slack la. YI and HI was eating their dont know lunch or dinner, i ate ice-kachang go-song! BA was jian-fei-ing, so she didnt eat anyth. yeah. after that we were sent off by YI and HI. BA went home and i went back to CCPS. was feeling rather nervous and weird. was expecting something, yet i didnt want to know what it was. aww..

before i actually went back, i actually went back to my old house. yeah. BLOCK 31, BALAM ROAD, #02-123. i was very EMO there.

took 155 to my old house there, was expecting to see the long stretch of road that i used to walk everyday. however, it isnt there, not anymore.
i was sad.

then i just walked around, along the shophouses and everything. i even went all the way back to my old house! goodness. the sun was setting then, and i remember i get to see sunset everyday in my house. but it never happen to me again.
i was sad.

everything there changed. even the playground just below my house is different. the back of my block, has become a multi-purpose hall, where it used to be carparking lots. it really changed alot. alot.
i was sad.

then i came down, loitered ard for a while, and i walked all the way to CCPS. yeah. that was what i did when i was younger. i would just come down from my block, walk towards the shophouses, cross the road when i see the hawker centre, then walk through the roman catholic church or someth, then the kids' home, and to CCPS. everything is like just yesterday. i remember the times my daddy will wait at the drain there to pick me and my sister up everyday. and then he would always point to some crawlies in the drain, and tell us that they are crabs. baby ones. and i would just believe him. and everyday then, when i dont see the crawlies, i would bug him to tell me what happened to the baby crabs. yeah. i was young then. and now i know all these can never happen again. they did happen once, and it is alr part of my childhood memories!

then it is about my grandfather. yeah. he used to stay with us, and he had a job at one of the mama-shop near my block. yes. and he knew practically everyone there, and he would always be at the coffee shop nearby, with his friends, leading the typical life an old man leads. other than my dad, he's the other dearest who would send me to school. he would always carry my school bag, and allow me to walk so freely. and he knew i love to eat the noodles from the coffeshop, and he would always get it packed for me, paying for it, and let me have it after my sch. he would then walk me home. he was a very thrify man, and he spends very little. he just loved me so much, yet i never did treasure him. i felt real bad, but it was too late for me to love him. allow me to be childish for today, but why did they pamper me so much, till now that when he had alr passed on, i still feel his presence. oh my, i am tearing. i teared alot today. my grandfather, he was just so great and wonderful. i cant help but to think of his bitter life. he led a hard life even when he was old. yet, i could not do anyth to help him then. i was bloody young. he fell sick, he cut himself, he injure himself, he had problems, he never told anyone. never. he was so strong a figure in my life. he always show the smile on his wrinkled face, he never had any temper. he was such a nice man that nobody treasured. he is still my grandfather.

along the walk to CCPS, many thoughts came to my mind. i could not stop it from racing madly. that place was really a place i cannot forget. that was where i grew up from. that is it. as i was walking there, everyth seemed to be just ytd: the walks with my dad, my grandfather carrying my bag, sending me home, the friends i had in CCPS...

anyway, met CARMEN, DONNA, XIUYI, CYNTHIA, SHURIN, CARYS, BIBI, CLAIRE! yeahh. they had been my bestest pals in life! XIUYI is my longest pal, i guess. since primary dont-know-what. i LOVE everyone. met many teachers too, though many could not recognise me. mrs eileen goh, mrs alice goh, mrs lee, and i dont know who, yeahh. my deepest regrets would be i did not get to see mdm jeron teng and that i may not be able to see mrs chia anymore. she has retired. oh my. i have not been a good girl. i really miss her. i should have gone back a few more times after i left, but i did not. i have myself to blame. there are many whom i wish to see, but never had the chance. i guess this is really fate, i dont know.(?)

5 years of primary school mates, somehow it did affect me when i left.
i never knew i was so important to them; i never knew how nice it is to walk back to your memories once again, walk through your childhood all over again, and just everyth, catching up with all the long-lost friends, and reminiscing about the things we used to do tgt and all. i never knew what was the joy of seeing a love one again, and i never knew how it feels like, not being able to see loved ones again. i never knew how much i mean to them, how much pain and how many hurdles we have gone through till today. i never knew what was friendship till i met you today. i never knew what was great before i decided to pluck up my courage, and went back there. i never thought what life would be if i did not meet you again. i never knew how much i actaully missed you, your laughter, your grace, your face, your friendship, just everyth about you. to all my best friends.

okay. i really missed the times with my girlfriends. yeah. they left a huge impact in my life. till ever. yeah. everyone says that life still goes on, and we should move on too. even i said that before. but why now?

went back to sbc to watch that woman play match, since i thought i have not seen her play for so long! yeah. she played, and she's still as woman-ly as ever la. LADY! oh well, was alr into the 2nd quarter when i reached, but not my fault. i was stucked in the middle of the night, with no buses, and no cabbies, and no sense of directions! aww..
and i finally cabbed down, but the uncle, well.. brought me to the wrong place. i dont know. it's so near and he can actually bring me to the wrong side. i think he then has no sense of direction! waste my time. so i actually ran all the way to sbc from the other side, opp the library there or smth. i looked really crazy and dumb, but but..
anyway, was perspiring like siao jiu dui le. yeah. and i left before the last quarter ends. walked out to take 80. yeah. and i alighted at rivervale plaza there and walked home all the way. it was 1050pm then, and i reached home around 1115pm. it was a long night, with a long road ahead for me..

had a quick shower alr and now i have to think of a way to really draw a clear line between me and him. i dont like to tell you all of my things, because i dont see the need for you to know, and i dont see why you should bother me with all those dumb questions like 'Yoz, not sleeping yet?' or 'Yoz, what are you doing?' or maybe something like this too.. 'Yoz, still mugging?' i really dont see why you should even occupy any of my 1000 msges available.
HEY, I REALLY SEE NO REASON WHY YOUR MESSAGES SHOULD JUST FLOOD MY PHONE IN THIS WAY. I MADE IT CLEAR THAT I DONT WANT TO GO, DONT EVEN WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, DONT YOU JUST GET IT? AND I'M REALLY SICK OF ALL YOUR 'YOZ YOZ' THING. PLEASE GET OFF MY BACK. I REALLY NEED A BREAK. YOU ARE JUST ONE OF THE NEW FRIENDS THAT I MET FROM CAMP, PLEASE DONT SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW ME BLOODY WELL, BECAUSE I DONT THINK YOU DO TOO. PLEASE DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE WHOEVER IT IS, BECAUSE I AM NOT! AND LASTLY, I REALLY HATE TO RECEIVE MORE MESSAGES FROM YOU. AND, I AM SERIOUS. BLOODY.
(EFF.off)

i am feeling so terribly upset tonight. i did not want to feel this way. i never wanted to. it suck, alright? i want myself back. i do not want to go on and on, ranting about the past that had alr happened. i should just look forward to whatever that is going to happen. i should and i hope i will.


will most prob be back to ball-ing in less than 10 hours' time. yeah. finally. and i feel very rotten! training officially starts next wed, 1530. it is going to be so dead dead and dead! but i am looking forward to it.

I believe it had been
a bad day afterall;
come on, just tell me you do, you do uds what i have just said.
i always think that you understood me like you understand yourself, which is like so super well, but i was very wrong.
you never knew me;
you never understood my intentions;
you never.